Bereft

My dear little old poodle has been put down and all I want is to get him back.  He was very old, partially blind and completely deaf and suffered from the heart condition and I loved him.  I could not get him put down so finally I asked the vet what she thought and she explained everything to me and the decision was made.  He went off to sleep and when he died I wrapped him up in a blanket and sat and cuddled him.  The vet was lovely and let me stay in the room while I cried.  I went out the back way so I did not have to pass through the waiting room where people were waiting their turn.

Now all I keep thinking is that perhaps he could have lasted longer.  Maybe I could have kept him going just so he didn't leave me.  I would gladly have saved up for the expensive tablets every month or so.  I would have stayed home with him all the time and just ordered my groceries on-line.  If only.  If only it was not the start of a hot summer. If only my car had air conditioning we could have gone down to the beach every few days.  He loved the beach and the mandatory ice-cream before we set off home.

I would never believe just how much I would miss him.  He was the best dog I ever had.  I am not closing my eyes to the fact that he usually peed and pooed in the kitchen while I was out.  He also used to howl the whole time I was gone but he just wanted to be with me.  He was always so thrilled when I returned and did laps around me in the backyard.  I had to stop him as I knew he could have a heart attack at any tick of the clock.

I want to be loved again.  I want to walk to the letterbox accompanied by the dear old thing.  I want to have someone to cuddle up to and to sleep with.  I don't think I can go outside and sit in my swing seat.  That swing seat was for both of us.  I don't want to visit my friends who still have their own healthy dogs.  I don't want to look at pictures of dogs or go to pet shops.  I do, however, want to go to the Animal Welfare League and try to find another 'him'.  Of course that is impossible because he can never be replaced.

My daughter keeps telling me I cannot afford another dog and that if I have no dog it is easier for me to travel to Melbourne whenever I want.  I know all this but my heart is broken.  I just want my dog back.  I am bereft.