Albeit I am a dog person, toilet training a cat is the simplest task in the pet world. Obtain one cat, a litter tray and lovely clean crunchy litter. Apply cat to filled litter tray. Next take one of the cat’s paws and slowly intone the words, “Scratch, scratch, scratch.” Stand by to heap praise on the cat that has immediately understood the instructions. Prepare to evacuate the immediate area, if the cat has defecated. As long as you keep the litter changed regularly, you will have no further trouble.
Now a cute little puppy is another thing entirely. The method for toilet training a dog goes thus; never take your eyes off the dog if it is gambolling around on the floor. When the nose of the dog touches the floor, leap forward, snatch the dog up and rush it outside. Apply dog to lawn and chant helpful things like, “Wee, wee”, “Wetty now.” or “Hurry up I’m freezing to death.” The trick of course is to obtain a puppy in the summer. Night visits to the backyard are much more pleasurable. Do not expect a puppy, who clearly wants to pee, to do it straight away. It is obviously essential for them to pick the perfect place. This may take anything between one minute to half and hour. If you don’t wait said puppy out, it will pee on the carpet, yes carpet, as soon as you step inside. I really have no objection to the puppy making a mistake or two. I don’t mind a mistake on lino or tiles, but puppies seem pathologically incapable of differentiating between suitable and unsuitable areas to relieve themselves. They also, it seems, are sneaky and tend to prowl the house and leave deposits in direct lines to bathroom and kitchen at night. It really pays to turn on the lights during night forays. Tiny puppies are cute and cuddly, however, they grow into large animals and large un-toilet-trained dogs are a health hazard, revolting and serious damagers of carpets and mattresses.
Now, we come to the problem of being owned by a cat and a dog. Cats should be indoor animals. It stops them straying, annoying the neighbours and getting run over at night. An indoor cat however, necessitates a kitty litter tray. A litter tray and a dog are not the best combination. A kitty litter tray calls to a dog like a flame to a moth. I don’t care if there is some enzyme or some such in cat faeces that satisfied some lack in a dog’s digestive system; it is still disgusting. Revolting as it is to witness said dog happily ingesting smelly cat poo, is not witnessing it and having the dog lick your face after indulging in its secret passion. Ignorance may be bliss, but if your household has both cat and dog, I suggest you mount the kitty litter high on a shelf, perhaps on top of the washing machine or drier. If you cannot prevent the dog from feasting never let it bestow any mouth to face affection upon you.
The best thing about dogs and cats is they are much easier to toilet train than a baby. They are cheaper, as they don’t need nappies and they don’t cry when they are wet or smelly. Although harder to train, dogs don’t need kitty litter, so don’t stink up the house. All in all, the pleasure of being owned by a pet far outweighs the trauma of toilet training
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