Burglar

I once moved in to a little unit so was not yet aware of the foibles of doors and locks. On the first morning I let the dog out and shut the cat in but did not snib the lock on the back door. After locking myself out at 6.30am and still in my nightie I was in a panic. I didn't know the neighbours but I knew they were British so going next door to ask for help in my huge black t-shirt with 'Aussies Do It Better' was hardly the done thing. I cast my eye around for something resembling door opening tools but all I had was my outdoor setting. All the main windows were dead locked so what to do, what to do???? Luck smiled at me when I looked at the louvre window of the bathroom. For some reason this window had huge screws on the outside. I clambered up on my little wooden seat and unscrewed the screen and then began to wriggle the lourvres until I had loosened them and was able to slip a couple out. Now, I am amazed that I could fit through two louvres because now I would need to remove all the louvres and take out the architrave as well. I then had to flap at the cat who saw his way clear to escape, he was as intent upon getting out as I was of getting in. I heaved my way through the window, pushed the cat back again and then sort of slid myself in by hanging on to the bathroom basin I dragged the old bod in and then grabbed hold of the towel rail. I managed not to fall flat on my face. It was only luck that prevented the basin or towel rail from breaking away from the wall. I also kept the cat in but the dog was starting to have a nervous breakdown because he was now the only one who was locked out.

I am always amazed how pure luck can rescue one from a fate worse than death. It was not the getting in through the conveniently poorly locked window but that fact that I had knickers on. Perish the thought that I might have had to heave myself through the window with the sight of the big white moons of my bum and perhaps other parts of my anatomy there for all the world to see. At least my neighbours whom found later could have witnessed the debacle of my inscapology but were intent upon their breakfast.

I have some little gems of advice. Do not go outside in the early hours of the morning without snibbing the door; it is also worth looking at having doors that have to be locked from the outside. Most importantly always wear knickers. Yes that is the biggie, always wear knickers.