My dearly unbeloved august parent ground negativity into a paste and spread it liberally onto toast. She fed me this morsel every day until she died. It took me no time to digest it but a long time for the effects to wear off. Instead of chanting tables at school I chanted, "No I can't, no I can't," at home. It took me a long time to resist this socialization but resist it I did.
According to the august one I couldn't learn to do anything, and I mean anything. I think I managed all the stages in my life in spite of her. I ran in sport's days at school. I appeared in plays and end of year festivities at Speech Nights for my high school.
I got married. She wasn't even going to come to the wedding but one of my lovely neighbours shamed her in to it. My first male and I ran a business, that would have been unheard of if I had stayed at home with the august one. I got divorced, now that was a biggie! She was still talking about how I should take my husband back even when I was first going out with the male number two, father of the child of my loins.
I got pregnant and the august presence suggested that there might be something I could 'do'. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why I was so angry. I had the baby. The baby did not die of cot death or heart problems and I did get to use the baby clothes and furniture I bought against her wishes.
I learned how to drive a car, what a scary occupation for me and something she would never have countenanced.
I had learned to skate a little when I was younger and put that skill to work in my thirties skating in competitions and winning trophies, medals and a state title. She would have had me wrapped in cottonwool during this whole endeavour. Even though I can skate I cannot ride a bicycle. The august one thought I would damage someone's bike and she would have to pay to get it fixed. Of course she couldn't afford to buy one for me, or perhaps it would have been too big to take around the country with us when she moved from job to job.
After the august one died I passed the mature age entry and managed to get in to university. I was awarded my degree after ten years of on again off again progress. She would never have believed that I could do that.
I would never have learned to sculpt or throw clay on a wheel and end up with something vaguely resembling a pot. I wouldn't have learned how to dye silk or draw or paint or do large mosaics. I wouldn't have learned anything like that because I would have kept eating the negative pap she fed me day by day over thirty-seven years.
I do not want to give the impression that I was ground down to nothing. I would vent my feelings every now and then. She always said it was like living with a live volcano. There is only so much pressure you can have put upon you before you do blow like the veritable volcano she knew me to be. I do agree that it was not exactly her fault that she fed my temper until I broke. I could have literally walked away but I just soldiered on until I managed to get away from her by getting married to the first male that showed any interest in me.
I have carried some of that negative energy for many years but now I feel free and confident. I can do things that I would not have imagined. I can walk through the tree tops in Queensland and go on rides at Warners Brothers Movie World. I can fly to overseas locations and enjoy myself thoroughly. I have the gumption now to live outside my comfort zone. I can do what I please. There is no negative person in the background putting out my fire with negative energy.
If I wasn't a lady I would say, "You can stick your pearls of wisdom where the sun don't shine." Of course being a lady was the thing she was most concerned about. So 'Oh August One' being a lady is something I can take or leave as the mood takes me. Negative people do not surround me. I do not eat negative pap because I am my own person, confident, capable and daring. So like I said, "You can stick..............!"
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